Got a call from Benedict XVI, you know “good old Joe, but call me Al, Ratzinger”, formerly John Paul’s second Attack-Rottweiler, now Papa. 

He wondered if you didn’t need some earthquake insurance for the trip to Italy. He mumbled something about indulgences. I asked, “Do you mean beer?” He explained: “Not in Italy. No, no. No, indulgences!” I was astonished: “There goes the Christian neighborhood again.” “No, no,” he said, “It is like Lotto. In precarious times like these even Martin Luther would buy into at least a handful of chances. You know he would buy them as encouragement for those who are performing their duties dutifully, on time and within the budget, and who are bearing life’s changes and difficulties without complaints, and of course those, who are adding, at least mentally, some pious invocations, like . . . “Jesus Christ.” 

“That’s Wally, my good Pope. That’s Wally,” I said, “He is always freely abstaining in a spirit of penance from anything licit and pleasant in particular circumstances of everyday life. Just a query, dear Pope, so, does receiving religious Tourettes, even by internet or television, like your virtual blessings count, my Holy Man, “Urbi et Orbi” and for which sometimes some bishops and cardinals are authorized to give the finger three times a year to the faithful or must Wally still piously read or listen to Sacred Scripture for at least half an hour at a time, each time?” 

Slightly agitated, and with a heavy German accent, Benedict XVI, alias “good old Joe, but call me Al, Ratzinger”,  pointed out: “The worth of Wally’s indulgences depends on him, that is, on the fervor with which he performs the recommended actions. For political or religious Tourette like suffering from motor and vocal tics for at least twelve months, for example, from Christmas to Christmas, with uncontrollable body and head movements disrupted only by swearing or calling all kinds of names (sometimes racial), I recommend that indulgences are in order, and this is actually pretty much the same when it comes to earthquakes. In case the syndromes are not transient, some more indulgences may be needed like flea powder, for helping them to disappear even if after some time they appear again. The Church gives no guaranties. So tell Wally, stay away from ancient heavy architecture, and look out for the Venice tsunami or buy some Vatican insurance.”